Saturday, January 2, 2010

Butterflies Burning in the East Austin Fires

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A new year, new decade. Back to zero. What everybody tries to believe until next Monday. Another day of going through the motions. Another day where I realize how much I've lost. Threw a butterfly into the fire over on the East Side of Austin and now watch the hurricane ramifications start to turn within my life. Relationships like a neighborhood of houses. Neighborhood? Maybe. A few nice houses and a lot of rundown shacks, lean-tos, tents, bedrolls, holes in the ground. I can see now, looking out at the storm coming in from the ocean, there's not going to be a lot left in the aftermath.

The tired lines:

It's all my fault.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
Please, forgive me.
I love you.

Like when I was a kid and said my name over and over until it sounded new and strange, I'm not sure that I understand what any of these words mean anymore. Daniel in the Lion's Den scattering handfuls of thorns everywhere. Slight insurance against the empty gut of meaning. I contemplate silence, trying to get back to degree zero with the language. But I know my way is not back to some primal innocence but ever deeper into experience.

Hesse's Steppenwolf:
The way to innocence, to the uncreated and to God leads on, not back, not back to the wolf or to the child, but ever further into sin, ever deeper into human life.
The hope that won't fade is that at the uttermost depths of sin - not far from where I am, the way leading up and out will just... appear. My mind is filled with Piranesian Prisons, Escher loops, Ezekial  8:7. But the perspective in this architecture, like logic in language, is a trick to create verisimilitude. There is the felt presence of the underlying foundation - a door behind the screen. The solution is not going to make any sense. Just keep walking up the stairs that turn around down to the waterfall that flows back into itself until I can figure the crux of the trick. A false bottom, smoke and mirrors. It's either that or into Lucifer's mouth, digested down into the bowels and finally out as a pile of shit covered bones at the base of Purgatory.